I Didn’t Know Where You Were

Holding Hands

The day of your funeral, I want them to bury you as soon as possible. You were not inside there anymore. You were anywhere but there.

I am sorry baby… I didn’t know where you were, so I just look at your lifeless body, the discarded casing of your soul. I hope you’d found my eyes and looked at it when I said I love you. Coz, It’s just felt awful not able to look at your eyes and said my final goodbyes.


Spirit (Ruh) or soul,is an substantial element, it does not depend on other substance, it will live independently without inhibiting any place. Unlike a body, a soul has feeling and can taste. It can feel sad, happy, frustrated, etc. Without a soul, a body is useless, it can not move and be functioning.

Imam Ibn Al-Qayyim wrote in his scholarly work “Kitab al Ruh”,

” Ruh is an entity which differs totally from the physical body. It is a subtle, ecclesiastical, enlightened living and moving body which penetrates into the depths of the organs and flows into them like the water in the rose or the oil in the olive or the fire in the coal. As long as these organs remain able to accept the impressions of this subtle body, the ‘Ruh’ remains attached to these organs and provides them with feeling and movement. But when these organs are spoiled because of the dominance of diseased elements upon it, and they are no longer able to accept the impressions of the soul, it leaves the body and heads towards the world of the souls. “

This is how far human can learn about soul. The true knowledge of soul lays in the hands of the Greatness of God. Any further efforts in learning about soul will only lead to never ending debate and perversion.

“They ask you [O Muhammad (saws] concerning the Ruh (Soul). Say: ‘It is one of the things, the knowledge of which is only with my Lord. And of knowledge, you (mankind) have been given very little.

Al-Isra’: 85


That particular day felt like floating in a zero gravity space, seeing your cord no longer attached to mine, my hands frantically searching in the empty air, trying to grab you. You were only 13, you are my baby. It is not that I did not trust your ability, as you are the most independent and smart person I know, but I wasn’t ready to let you go yet. It just like when you had your very first trip by plane alone. I made you stayed on your phone through out the boarding process. I always want to assure that you are safe. I always want to lend my hand, holding you and catch you when you fall.

The hardest part of the that day is realizing that I can no longer functioning as your mother. I felt my role was cut short. I was prepared to let you go, but only when it was on your wedding day. Although, later on I realize I can still mothering you, by continuously  praying for you, to blessed your soul.

You are free, you are blessed

When you visited me the other day. When half of my soul wandered around while I was sleeping, you met me. You looked so happy, carefree like a innocent young toddler. You are blessed, I keep believing that because you didn’t know what you were doing. You are an innocent child.
Ibn al-Qayyim said: the souls that are blessed are free and are not detained, so they meet one another, visit one another and talk about what they used to do in this world and what happened to the people of this world. So each soul will be with its friends who did similar good deeds. The soul of our Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is with the highest companions. Allah says:

“And whoso obey Allah and the Messenger (Muhammad), then they will be in the company of those on whom Allah has bestowed His Grace, of the Prophets, the Siddeeqoon (those followers of the Prophets who were first and foremost to believe in them, like Abu Bakr As‑Siddeeq), the martyrs, and the righteous. And how excellent these companions are!”

[al-Nisa’:69]

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